Psalm of Confusion (A Hymn of Confusion)

The Lord is my shepherd: I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
Psalm 23:1-2

The ones at church
have told me since I was young
that You
have a plan.
They
say that You have a plan for me
and it is part of the plan for the whole world.

You had a plan for Moses,
and for razing Saul who became raving Paul
and for Lazarus who came reeking from the dead.
These were all part of the bigger plan
of Israel in the desert
and of Pentecost on the hill,
and of the Sacrifice.

But Lord
the thing is
I don't get it.
How can I follow Your plan
if I don't know what it is?
You told Moses in the burning bush,
and John in a wild Revelation.
But how do I know?
Joan heard voices, and Clare saw the Virgin Mother.
I only hear voices through the apartment walls
and my visions appear on the TV screen.

They
say I should follow my heart
and the Bible
and I will be following the path You left for me.
But my heart and the Bible do not always go the same way.
In fact, my heart sometimes breaks itself in two
so that each half can want to do a different thing.
If the direction of my heart is Your direction,
then is it fair to think of You as a snake with a head on each end?

I also remember
that You had a plan for drowned Pharaoh
and for Adam who was ashamed
and for Job who tried to understand.
None of them would have liked what You had planned.
You must also have one for Satan.
Did Lucifer know Your plan?

So I wonder, God,
why You're not telling me.
If it because if I heard it
I would try to run away?

The thing is
it wouldn't matter if Your plan was like Lazarus'
or Job's
because I tried all of mine
and none have worked
so far
and I don't want to make another one
without asking You first.

So
God

what's the plan?